She's 4....

 Sayler Jaye - 

Four years ago on this night I was overcome with emotion. I can remember this surreal realization that tomorrow I would become someone's mother...your mother. I could not wrap my head around the fact that one day could change it all. But it did. You did. Change my life. Change my heart. Change the world.

I've loved you since this day...

But I didn't understand the greatness of the love that was to come.

 

How could my heart have known a love like this?

You are more than I imagined. Better. My dreams of you did not do you justice.

You continue to unravel everything I thought I knew about the bounds of love. This love knows no bounds.

You fill this world with a beauty that was never here before. 

So my sweet Sayler, on this night before you wake up as my four year old baby girl I want to tell you that these 4 years have been the greatest of my life. You have taken a life that was black and white and transformed it into technicolor. You have taken a heart that was scarred and wounded from life's battles and healed it. You have shown a cynic how to believe again and magically transformed a glass that was half empty into one that is half full. You live big and because you do...I get to too. Being your Mommy has been the miracle of my life. No written word can convey they love I hold for you deep within me. But when I read these words I think of you:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) - E.E. Cummings

Happy 4th Birthday to you my lovely...

Love,

Your Momma

When someone else says it better than you can...

Sayler Jaye and Maesyn Sidney...please know that this is how I love you. These words speak the depths of my heart and the whispers of my soul. I will always come baby girls...always.

http://lisajobaker.com/2013/08/a-promise-for-my-daughter/

Maesyn at 9, 10 and 11 months old

My Sweet Sweet Mae Mae - 

I have had this blog post in a draft status for months now and I have not posted it yet so I figured it was time to get down to business and tell you about...you :)

9 Months

• You started crawling this month just shortly after Sayler's 3rd birthday but before Thanksgiving. Once you got the hang of it you were going everywhere...FAST!
• You, Sayler and Mommy were so sick over Christmas. We all 3 had terrible colds and fevers and you just wanted to be held and rocked. I felt so bad for you...but Nana loved getting to snuggle your little feverish self for hours and hours on Christmas Day.
• You're around 20 lbs and 33 inches tall.
• Still drinking formula and you love your ba ba's.
• You are exclusively eating table food and go back and forth about what you like. Some days you love fruit and other days you won't touch it! You're definitely keeping me on my toes.
• You love your sissy and one of the fist things you started saying was "Hi dih dee!" (Hi sissy).

10 Months Old

• You're really moving now and pulling up to stand on everything. You're not cruising yet but want to get everywhere your sister is so it's not far off :)
• You have started sleeping through the night pretty regularly...hallelujah! You love your room and your crib and snuggle up with your bee bee (pink fleece blanket) and sleep all night.
• You're so funny and you know it!  You love making people laugh and when you see that they are laughing you do whatever it was you were doing again and again. I'm fully prepared for you to be the class clown!
• You love pulling books off of shelves...LOVE.IT!!!  It would be your full time job if there weren't laws against babies working 9-5. You crawl into your sister's room and pull all of the books off of her shelves over and over again. Or you climb into the kitchen and pull the cook books off of the kitchen shelf.  If we can't find you we know exactly where to look...where the books are!

11 Months Old

• You are in.to.everything...and I think it is hilarious! I love watching you explore and do things your sister never would have dreamed of doing! You open cabinets I don't think your sister has ever tried to open to this day. You climb up the stairs and won't stop even when I tell you no no. You are FEARLESS!!!  It scares me to death but also makes me smile. You are definitely your own person Miss Mae Mae and we have our hands full for sure.
• You are so entertained with the older kids at daycare.  But you are not intimidated by them at all. You get right in the mix and want to be where the action is.
• You think it is hilarious when it is windy outside and the wind blows in your face. You smile and laugh every time it happens.
• You love screaming with your sissy. Whenever she screams...you squeal at the top of your lungs!!!  You just chase each other around (her running you crawling) ans try to out scream one another :)  My ears are annoyed but my heart just smiles!

Maesyn I love you more than I ever thought possible. I love to kiss your sweet face and bury my nose in your neck and smell your sweet baby smell. I never knew how much my life was missing until you showed up smack in the middle of it. You are my sunshine Boo Boo...<3 and="" back="" moon="" p="" the="" to="" you="">

Hope Floats

One of my most favorite quotes comes from the movie Hope Floats (yes I'm serious...it might not be Nietzsche  but it's how I roll).

*I may or may not have just had to Google how to spell Nietzsche...and use Wikipedia to verify he was who I thought he was.  Just keeping it real over here.

But I love me some Sandra Bullock as Birdie Pruitt (did not have to Google that...that one I know) and in the movie she says:

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

So today I find myself at the crossroads between a sad ending and a scary beginning and I just needed to take a moment to sit with it for a while and be grateful for an amazing middle.

Nearly 3 years ago Channing and I made the decision to move back to the Midwest from Dallas after the birth of our baby girl Sayler. We wanted to be closer to our family and give her a close and consistent relationship with her Nana and Papa. We were able to keep our positions with our company and even work from home but we knew that we would need full time child care for Sayler and I was sick over the fact that we had to leave our daycare provider in Dallas whom we adored. So about 6 weeks before we were set to move I started searching for options. If you are a mother you know finding someone to care for your child is like taking your heart out of your body and asking someone to keep it safe all day long. It was so stressful and scary to even think about. But I did my homework and was referred to an in home daycare run by a woman named Dana. I contacted her and we had a phone conversation about what I was needing as far as care for Sayler. During the conversation I felt as though she was interviewing me as much as I was interviewing her. That made me feel good. I liked her.  So we set up a time to meet once we were all moved in and settled. Through the course of our conversations we discovered our new home was 2 houses down from her parents new home...how crazy is that? I smelled God at work.  We arranged a meeting on a warm June evening and from the moment we walked in the door...I knew she was going to care for my child. And she has every day since...until Monday, when she won't anymore.  And I'm sad for the ending. But I am happy for her new beginning.

When she started watching Sayler she looked like this...

Now she looks like this...

Gulp.

This happened...

Sayler Steppin' Out from Stephanie Doss on Vimeo.

And Miss Dana taught her how to pray...



Amen!!! from Stephanie Doss on Vimeo.

And she found a best friend...

Dana was the first person to know about this...

And she watched me grow from this....

To this...

And then Maesyn got to go to Miss Dana's house too. This is what she looked like on her first day...

And now she looks like this...

She found a boyfriend best friend too...

She's helped us celebrate all of these...

And dried a lot of these...

But most of all, we had a lot of these...

Dana - I can never express how grateful I am for the way you have loved my babies.  Finding someone to open their arms, and their home and their heart to my girls every day for the last 3 years has been the gift of a lifetime.  I can never repay you for the peace of mind you sent me to work with each and every day...knowing that my girls were safe, and protected, and treasured.  I hope you know that God brought us together for a reason. I believe that to my core. Our family is forever changed because you are now a part of it. I just wanted to take this moment in time to thank you from the bottom of my heart for a wonderful middle. Now go start a beautiful beginning...

Love you always our Miss Dana,

Channing, Steph, Sayler and Maesyn Doss

Maesyn 7 and 8 months old

Maesyn this is you at 7 months old!

Here is your sister at 7 months old :)

Here you are at 8 months old...getting bigger every day and SO smiley!!!

Here is sissy at 8 months old...can't believe she was ever this little!

Maes -
Mommy has really been so awful at updating your monthly milestone blog.  I feel terrible about it and I also feel like there is no way that I am updating months 7 and 8 and you have already passed months 9 and 10.  I can honestly say this year has been the FASTEST year of my life.

Here are some of the amazing things you were doing in month 7 and 8:

• You weigh 19.4 lbs.
• You have both of your bottom teeth.
• You started rocking back and forth on all fours and we just knew crawling was sure to happen soon!
• You are the smiliest baby on the planet and smile SO big in the morning when you wake up and we pull you out of your pack and play.
• You still sleep in our bedroom right next to Mommy...I can't seem to handle letting you sleep in your own room yet.
• You started saying Dada and Daddy could not have been more excited.  You have not stopped saying it since!
• Your hair is starting to curl up a little, and even though you have a lot less than your sister did at this age I know it is going to be just as long and thick as your sister's!  Mommy's arms are going to be very tired brushing all of that hair every morning!
• You discovered Elmo and I think those people at Sesame Street must really have that voice down to a science because as soon as you hear Elmo on the TV/computer you immediately turn to see it. You are captivated by him!
• You LOVE your sister and smile the biggest and laugh the loudest when she is all up in your face trying to be funny.
• You are not a fan of getting into your car seat and you always try and sit up and roll out the side when I am trying to buckle you in.
• You haven't developed stranger anxiety yet and will pretty much still let anyone hold you or talk to you. You are such an easy going baby.
• You have about 100 nick names: Maes, Mae Mae, Booze, Boozey, Boozerelli, Boozarino, Maesers. The list goes on and on...even Say joins in and calls you many of your nick names. You are going to be so confused once you understand the concept of what your name is.

I love you more than I ever thought possible my Mae Mae Doss.  You are just the best baby and have brought so much joy and laughter to our already amazing life.  Things are only better with you!!!

Love you most,

Mommy

Sayler is 3!!!

Sayler Jaye Doss...today you woke up and you were 3 years old!!!

  I'm not sure how that happened as just yesterday you were this little nugget...

I am very emotional about you turning 3...tears are streaming down my face as I type these words. I'm not sure why it feels different this year...but it most surely does.  Maybe it is because 3 seems like you are no longer my baby, but rather my big girl. Maybe it is because I feel like it is all going so fast and just speeding up with each day and I want it to SLOW.DOWN for just a moment so I can catch my breath. Maybe it is because I am just so filled with pride to be your Mommy and it is just overflowing as I look back on this most precious of years we have shared with you.

Last night I tucked you in to bed and we snuggled for a long time and sang many more songs than we normally do.  I felt you all warm and sweet and soft pressed up against me as I rubbed your little back and I could have stayed in that moment for an eternity.  I kept taking deep breaths and closed my eyes tight trying to create an impression of that moment to burn into my memory forever. You and me snuggled up next to one another without an inch between us just as we were 3 years earlier on the eve of your birthday.

You have had your biggest year to date me sweet girl.  So many changes and milestones that I can hardly believe it has only been 1 year. You have gone from a chubby cheeked toddler to a long legged preschooler and I just adore the little girl you are becoming.

Here are a few highlights of your 3rd year and I hope someday you look back on these precious memories and cherish them as much as I do!

You are my little baker!!!  You LOVE to help Mommy bake cupcakes, cookies and brownies!  You can be heard telling your Daddy, "Me and Mommy are bakers...not fakers Daddy!!!"  I love passing on my love for baking to you and can't wait for the holiday baking to begin with my little assistant by my side.

You are my silly billy for sure!!! This year your sense of humor has developed so much and your Daddy and I are always saying, "That girl is FUNNY!  Like for real...funny!"  You make us belly laugh (sometimes even when you aren't trying to be funny) and we get the most joy life can bring when we hear you throw your head back and just laugh and squeal with delight.  Best.sound.ever.

So the biggest event this year has been you becoming a Big Sister to Maesyn!  From the minute we brought your Mae Mae home from the hospital you have loved her, worried about her, kissed her, scolded her, laughed at her and made her laugh like no one else can.  No one can make Mae smile like her sister can.  She is in love with you and I can't wait to see you grow together and become best friends. Mommy doesn't have a sister and I have always wanted to experience that sisterly bond. Now I get to through my sweet sister girls!  Here are a few pictures of the Doss sister's that just melt my heart:

(For the record I am full out ugly crying at this point in the blog writing process...seriously how I will make it through Kindergarten drop off without Xanax is beyond me!!!).

You just continued to have new experiences and stretch yourself over and over again this year and I can't express my pride in seeing you venture out of your comfort zone and grow into a more confident, self assured, outgoing little girl.  Here are some of the big things you have been doing this year:

Riding your brand new tricycle for the first time with Nana

 First Mommy and Me Swimming lessons

 First gymnastics class

Don't have a picture of this event...but you were fully potty trained in like a hot minute!!!  Seriously, we started potty training on  Friday morning you had one accident and from that point forward you have been going potty without fail!  In the 7 months you have been diaper free I think you may have had 6 or 7 accidents total. You were a ROCKSTAR pottier!!! Can you teach your sister? ;)...no,seriously.

First (and last :) ) dance class...we're going to try again this Summer to see if you are more ready.

First play date with your BFF Marley

Gulp...no more crib. Big girl bed for this 3 year old!

We haven't had your 3 year appointment yet, so I don't have your official stats but I do know that you weigh 32 lbs. and are around 37-38 inches tall.  You are tall and skinny...we're not sure how that happened but I sure wish you would pass some of that over my way!

You are the queen of dropping one liners that make my sides hurt from laughing so hard.  Here are a few of the things you have said that are hilarious:

• You walked into the bathroom after Daddy had "spent some personal time" in there. You came running out and say, "I can't go back in there. I gotta take care of myself!!!"
• You saw one of those ceramic churches that people put out at Christmas as a decoration. It had a steeple and was all lit up and you said, "Mama look!!! It's Santa's castle!!!"
• You are obsessed with Disney Princess movies right now. OB-SESSED!!! Namely Cinderella. You are very focused on the Stepmother and stepsisters as you cannot believe that they are so mean. You said to me a few months ago, "Mama...why da Sep-mudder and Sep-sissers wanna go to da bawl?" I replied, "Well babe...because they wanted the Prince to dance with them." You looked at me in complete shock and said, "Oh NO!!! If you talk naughty...nobody gonna wanna dance wit you!!! Right Mama?" 
• One night a few months ago you marched over to me, hands on hips and said, "Mama...Daddy is ruining my life!!!" I wasn't expecting this revelation until at least 2022!!!
• You came in while I was rocking your sister to sleep one night and said the following, "Mama. I have to tell you something. I didn't do anything."Ha!
• "Mama...Daddy be cray cray!"
• So you always tries to find something very important to tell me as I am getting ready to leave you at daycare and one day you left me with this: "Mama....ummmm don't let Daddy in the house today OK? Make sure you "wok" all the doors and be careful so Daddy can't get in OK Mama?"
• "Mommy...you need to take that shirt off. That shirt is weird." 
• You and I ran a few errands and while browsing I picked up something and looked at an outrageous price tag. I said, "these people are crazy!!!" We then went to checkout and there were 3 older women in front of us speaking to one another in Russian. You turned to me and says (loud), "Mama...dees peopow are cwazy!!!"
• "Mommy...I need to go potty training!" 
• "Mama...me, you and Mae are the winners. But not Daddy. Daddy's not the winner."
• "Mama you and Mae Mae have orange legs. Me and mine Daddy have brown legs."

(Still crying)...

Sayler Jaye Doss... you and I have been together since March 3rd of 2009 . That is 1357 days. The first 261 days were spent growing inside me...the rest were spent growing beside me.  I can never express to you the miracle that these 1357 days have been.  You will never understand until you have your own children.  You are the best thing I have ever done...and the depths of my love for you...my first born...my sweet Say Say can never be adequately expressed. 

Until your Daddy placed you in my arms 3 years ago today I never fully comprehended the emotion of the following poem written by E.E. Cummings...now I do...all because of you:

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it

anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate

for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world

for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart

I carry it in my heart

You are my game changer sweet baby girl of mine...can't wait to spend the next 1,357 days with you. And the 1,357 after that, and the 1,357 after that.............................

I love you to the moon and back.  

Happy 3rd Birthday

Love,

Your Mama