I promise this isn't about pants. Pants are not a topic I want to discuss at any length when I am 10 days away from giving birth. I walk into my closet and the pants laugh at me. Except for the sweat/yoga variety...pants are dead to me. So this is not about pants. *How many times can I say pants in one paragraph?
I have been thinking a lot about life lately. I think it is because I will be bringing a new one into this world in a few short days. Nothing will humble you like the feeling that overcomes you when are wheeled out to your car from the maternity ward by a nurse holding a warm, sweet smelling, little 8 pound bundle and she helps you into the passenger seat. And then she turns...and.walks.away. Wait...what? You're just going to let us take this baby? Don't you need to verify our credentials? Isn't there some sort of training you provide? This seems highly irresponsible. I mean they don't even let you have the keys to the register at McDonald's on your first day...just sayin'. I digress...
I was getting ready one morning and looking at myself in the mirror and this question just overwhelmed me, "Steph...what on earth can you offer these precious girls?" It took me by surprise. I didn't have an immediate answer. And I thought about it for days. What can I offer these sweet girls? And then I heard a conversation about how so often women make the same mistake over, and over, and over again...especially when it comes to choosing the wrong man to share their life with. One of the women said, "It's like making the same mistake wearing a different pair of pants." And I knew instantly...that is what I can give my girls. Mommy found the right pair of pants...
I can't begin to express how much I love these pants.
So I'll stop with the pants analogy as I am starting to even confuse myself...but you see where I am going here. When I met Channing I had never met any man like him in my life. I'm convinced God broke the mold when he created this man. And it scared me to my core. You see, I had never been treated well by a man. Never. I didn't know what it looked like. I didn't know what it felt like. I had absolutely no idea how to allow someone to be good to me. It seems crazy even to me to say that...but it really felt so uncomfortable to me.
Because I had never seen what a healthy, respectful, honorable relationship looked like...when it presented itself I was completely unprepared. To be clear, I'm not writing this to disparage anyone, especially my own father, but he was not a good husband to my mom. And he wasn't a great father to his kids. That's just the truth. I've dealt with that, been through my share of therapy, and know that people do the best they can with what they have. When you know better, you do better and I accept who my father was and who he wasn't and love him in spite of the mistakes he made. But because a healthy, loving, happy marriage was never modeled for me...I had no idea what I should require of my relationships with men. And so I accepted anything I was given. Anything. Bad stuff. Ugly stuff. Painful stuff. And that became my normal. It felt comfortable and natural to be insecure, sad, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt and distrustful. It felt natural to deal with the mistreatment of a man. That was all I knew.
And then...
God brought me something better. And he whispered in my ear that I was worthy of the love I was being given...if I would just trust it. And I did....
There are not enough words to express how amazing this man is. My husband, my friend, the father of my children. I never thought I would have this love...this life I never thought I deserved it. I didn't know it even existed. But it does. And I do. And so do my girls. And that is what I will offer them. To show them what it looks like. What it sounds like. What it feels like...to have a man honor you, respect you, appreciate you, adore you, protect you, love you, lead you and share their life with you.
Channing...before we travel down this crazy parenthood path once again, and before we are to tired and consumed with babies, bottles and binkies to even remember one another's name I want to say this. You are the miracle of my life. You love me in a way I have never known before. You changed my path and gave me a new story to tell. I will never take that for granted. I will spend the rest of my life trying to love you the way that you love me. Thank you for this life. Thank you for my babies. Thank you for this laughter. Thank you for this love. But most of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer our girls a legacy to rely on when they are choosing their own pair of pants.
