Thursday, March 12, 2009

Holy inappropriateness Batman!!!

Dear Mattel -

Let me start by saying I am a long time fan of the Barbie product line. I had the Barbie townhouse, Barbie hot tub, Barbie Corvette, Barbie McDonald's, and an entire sorority of Barbie dolls. My best friend Johna and I played with Barbie's far past the appropriate age threshold...I think we were wearing bras and playing with Barbies. So please do not mistake this as me being a I am a true fan of Miss B.

However, your newly marketed "Little Red Riding Hood" (LRRH) Barbie has caused me a bit of confusion and I would appreciate some clarification on the following issues:

1. What age group is this Fairy Tale trollop being marketed too? Instead of Target or Toys R' Us perhaps Dr. John's or Pricilla's would be a better vendor for this particular doll.

2. Was it the toy designers intent to have the wolf ogling LRRH's bosom? If so, has this particular designer had the appropriate sex offender background screening?

3. At what point did thigh high fishnets, booty skirts and stilettos become appropriate attire for a visit to grandma's house?

4. Lastly, speaking of grandma, after seeing your "vision" for LRRH is there a possibility that in the actual story "grandma" was code for "Heidi Fleiss?"

I know you are probably extremely busy configuring the stripper pole to be packaged in with Little "HO" Beep...but any response to the aforementioned questions would be greatly appreciated.

Kindest Regards,
Steph Doss

Monday, March 9, 2009

E = MC²

For all of you physics junkies out there...the picture posted above is not a road map to create a nuclear bomb. But rather a road map to conception...apparently this illustrates how you make a baby in 2009. I'll give you a moment to recover....

Seriously...? What happened to the good ole days where all you needed was a slow gin fizz and a backseat on prom night to get knocked up? This chart is a constant reminder to me of all the money I wasted on birth control pills. on to the point of this post. Channing and I met with the reproductive endocrinologist last Thursday ( RE for those of us in the infertility biz). His name is Dr. Le and he is an awesome guy. We met with him for about 30 minutes and came out of his office with a plan and a blue print for baby makin'. I told Dr. Le that I am a very decisive individual, and that I didn't want to be lollygaggin' around for 6 months with a little something here, and a little something there. I am ready for battle Dr. Le!!! Dr. Le looked at both of us and shook his head no, he then said, "Oh no...I am veddy, veddy agglessive Mrs. Doss....vedddddy agglessive when it comes to having baby." I loved to hear this as a dose of "veddy agglessive" is exactly what I was hoping to receive!!! So here is our plan for our next cycle trying to conceive (TTC in the biz).

Cycle day 3 - Go in for blood work to check my FSH levels and get an ultrasound to check my ovarian follicles. (FSH to your ovaries is like gas to a car's engine...the more FSH you produce to ovulate means that you have to really rev those ovaries up just to get an egg. This is not a good sign, and means that your ovarian reserve is low). So we are hoping for another low number. My FSH from a few weeks back was 6.2 which is great...but the numbers can change quickly.

Cycle day 5-9 - Take 100mg Clomid. Clomid is a fertility drug that puts your ovaries into overdrive and is supposed to cause a very strong and healthy ovulation. Kind of like steroids for eggs.

Cycle Day 8 - HSG (even I don't know what this stands for and I'm in the biz). This is a test to make sure that your uterus and fallopian tubes are not blocked and that the egg is getting where it needs to be to meet her 90 million suitors :) Think of a dye test for the heart when they are checking for blockages...just a little lower!!!

Cycle day 10 or 11 - Check FSH again. Dr. Le explained it like this. When someone wants to check out the health of their heart...the Dr. doesn't give them a diagnosis when they are sitting reading the newspaper. Rather the patient endures a stress test...where the heart is pushed to the limit, and if things look good after that, then your heart can be considered healthy. Same thing with the ovaries. The 5 days of Clomid would be considered the stress test here, and if my FSH levels are still low...we know then that I have a good reserve of eggs left.

Cycle Day 13 - Another ultrasound to make sure I am getting ready to ovulate, and then a trigger shot of HcG (the pregnancy hormone) to make the egg "pop" (I'm not a fan of that term...makes me think of my reproductive organs like Rice Krispies...snap, crackle...POP!!!).

Cycle Day 14 - IUI. This is the day Channing finally gets called into battle. IUI is the new term used for artificial insemination. Basically the shot of HcG I recieve on day 13 will casue me to ovulate within 36-48 hours. Then Channing recruits his boys and takes them to the clinic in this:

I like to call this...the "Lil' Bag-O-Sperm"...Channing however does not like me to call it that, or call it anything. In fact I am pretty sure he is not thrilled I have posted this "sperm suitcase" at all...where I then throw in my 1st amendment right, and he tunes me out and plays his fantasy basketball.

So...Channing takes his "sperm suitcase" to the clinic in the morning, they do a sperm wash (which eliminates all of the dead or unhealthy sperm) and then I go in later that afternoon to have it inseminated. It really isn't a big deal they just use a catheter and put the sperm where they need to be to meet that egg...and then we cross our fingers that God takes over from there!!!

More than you ever wanted to know about me isn't it? I too. But this is the season of my life right now and I am taking the bull by the horns. "Watch out bull...I am veddy, veddy aglessive!!!"

We are excited but nervous. We agreed to do 3 IUI's and may then consider 1 IVF (In Vitro fertilization) and if we don't get preggo after those 3 or 4 attempts we are off to adopt.

Pray for us...and Dr. Le.

Love ya,

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Memory lane...kind of like walking on hot coals if you ask me

Wow...can't believe I just posted those. Can anyone say awkward stage? I'm just putting it out there...adolescence is not a cute look. Especially when your mom thinks it would be a good idea for you to cut all of your hair off and get a perm in the 5th grade. Just kick the chubby, obnoxious, pre-pubescent kid while she's down why don't you!!! The years between 1986 and 1990 would not be considered my "glory days"'s cool, I'm over it...made my peace with my white girl jerry curl.

I share this humiliation for a good cause. I think I need an intervention or something...maybe a straight jacket. I at a bare minimum need your prayer. When Channing and I went through our membership class to officially join our church we were asked to indicate which of the ministries we would like to volunteer for. I perused the available options...elder care - No, Hospitality - No, Greeter - NO (makes me have flashbacks of the creepy greeter at the church I was raised in. And to add insult to the creepiness his name was Arnot Cumm...ewwwww), Choir - tempting, but No. Then I came to the youth ministry section. Thought about it for a minute...and checked the boxes. Yes, not only didI say I would volunteer for the Sr. High youth...but also the Jr. High youth. WHAT??? Yeah....not sure what kind of high Jesus had me on that day but they may need to check those wafers and grape juice for intoxicants...I'm just sayin'.

So I hadn't heard anything about it for a few weeks (and I must say I wasn't causing their phone to ring off the hook either). but then about a week ago the fateful call came. They wanted me to come in for an interview on Wednesday, March 4th at 9:00pm after the Youth Ministry service was finished. The woman I spoke with on the phone was very energetic and she told me she could just tell that she was going to love me and that I was going to be perfect for their Youth (ears can be very deceiving ma'am...think about how nice telemarketers sound). Channing just sat on the couch with an undetectable grin that only I can see when he is laughing at me. He signed up for umm the Football ministry, or the BBQ ministry...bringing glory to the Lord through ribs I guess :)

Anyway, this is a plea people. I need has been a while since I was surrounded by teenagers. I was a Campus Life leader in my early 20's but if you have read my post about my know that age sneaks up quickly, and it steals your patience for things like shrieking 13 year old girls, and a pack of boys that smell like wet dogs and onions!!! Look at the pictures want to know why barely any of those girls are smiling? Because they had even annoyed themselves by that point!!! As an aside, the pictures where we are all wearing those stylish caps were taken at Camp Kitaki. I believe they were encouraged as a tick repellent device...or in my case a bad perm alternative.

Oh Lord, give me a servant's heart. And if You should call me to serve You with these youth could you please keep the shrieking and BO to a minimum? Amen.

My friends, all prayers and Xanex are welcome :)