Without You

A year ago today...this happened

And a year later...this is what we have because of that little digital word up there

How could we have ever known how we would be forever changed by this baby girl...

I heard a song today and it made me think of my love, my life, my Channing.  Without you babe...this life would still be a part of my dreams, and not my daily reality

I know the lyrics aren't a 100% fit...but the main stuff...it's how I feel about you (disregard the parts about being a famous country singer that is a dude :)

You're just my favorite thing...thanks for a great year.

Love you more...

Steph

Out of the mouth of Say!!!

Sayler Jaye Doss...you.are.funny!!!  here are some funny things you have been saying and doing lately:

• You always want to make sure we know what emotions you are having. So the other day you walked up to me arms crossed across your chest and face all scowled up and said, "Mommy...you make-ah me mad!!! See my face?" then you pointed in between your eyebrows to show how furrowed it was and said, "my face is mad at choo!!!"
• Sayler "Mama!!!  I got an owe-ee!!!" Me: "You did? How?" Sayler: "Ummm...Maesyn pushed me down the stairs."
• "Daddy...I got booty shorts on!" Then her Dad almost had a stroke.
• You have trouble saying words that have double o's (book, cookie) and I love to hear you say these words.  They sound like this: "Mama can you read me some burkes?" Or "Mama...can I have a curkie?"  Nothing cuter than 2 year old speech impediments :)
• "Mama...me and you are in charge and we da boss. Daddy not da boss...Daddy doesn't know. Right?"
• "Maesyn Sidney Doss...you're not gonna do any of dat fuss-a-fuss-a-fuss!!!"
• You love to know who gave you things and are always asking, "Who div me dis?" The other day you asked your Dad and he said, "Your Aunt Bunny gave you that." (we all call my Aunt Vonnie, Aunt Bunny...always have). So you came running out to find me carrying this bear and said, "Mama!!!  Mama!!!  My honey bunny div me dis!!!" Heart melted for sure.
• "Mama...let's get some Mickey goin'."  You say this when you want me to turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
• Whenever you go to open the door to the toilet in Mommy and Daddy's bathroom you put your hand over your nose and mouth covering them completely.  I asked you why you were doing that and you said, "Cuz Daddy stinks!!!"

I really need to write these down when they happen because there are a million more.  Your Dad and I just laugh and laugh all day long at the funny things you say and do. You are surely our entertainment and we just love you to pieces my sweet, sassy 2 and 1/2 year old drama queen :)

Love you birdie,

Mama

Maesyn is 3 months old!!!

Your Sister at 3 Months

Maesyn Sidney Doss...  You are 3 months old!!!

Weight:  14.6 lbs. 

Height: Not sure...we will have to wait to get you measured next month at your 4 month appointment.

Eating: 4 ounces every 2-3 hours. You take around 6 oz. in the middle of the night. And I keep waiting for you to give up your nightly "snack" but for now we are still meeting for some girl talk every night around 2:30 or 3:00am :)

Sleeping:  We are getting you prepped for going to daycare but it hasn't been to successful!  You will not sleep for more than 20 minutes unless you are lying on me (the only exception being at night). So I guess we will see how it goes at Ms. Dana's starting next week. One lesson I learned going through this same thing with your sister is that you will act COMPLETELY different at daycare than you do at home. So fingers crossed that you won't be a complete fuss bucket the entire time you are at daycare every day!  

What you like: You love to be talked to face to face. You are always trying to look at everyone and turn your head to follow us when we walk around the room.  You have started cooing and squealing and I cannot get enough of it.  You mimic your Dad and I when we make high pitched noises and it is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. You also now recognize your bottle and what it means.  When you see it getting prepared you get so excited and start flapping your arms all around.  Today I fixed a bottle for you and then I sat it down while I walked with you to another room to get something.  Once we got into the other room you lost your mind and started screaming to the high heavens!  It was hilarious.  You were like, "Oh you're gonna tease me like that? Not cool Mama!!!"

What you don't like: Anyone walking away from you when you are lying on your Boppy pillow/Mommy's bed/bouncy seat etc.  You get so mad until I get back in front of you and then you smile from ear to ear.  You also have decided you hate driving in the car (praying to sweet baby Jesus you will out grow this before we take an 8 hour road trip to Little Rock in September). It isn't your car seat that is the problem as I can buckle you in and you are happy as a clam. But the minute I snap that seat into the base you start to fuss, fuss, fuss!!!  Good thing we aren't in the car for very long each day!

Maesyn you are my little "boozers" (not sure how you got that nickname but you did and it has stuck...though Sayler calls you "Beezers") sending you to daycare next week is going to be so tough for your Mama (I'm tearing up and my throat is tightening just typing it out right now). These 16 weeks I have spent falling in love with you have been some of the most precious of my life. I have spent days on end with you lying on me sleeping so sweetly your chubby little face getting all sweaty against my chest and your sweet little baby snores made my heart melt. I just can't begin to tell you how much I am going to miss spending my days snuggling you and smelling your sweet babyness.  You are my sweet little ray of sunshine and I will never forget these sweet days nesting together.  I know the new chapter will be special too...but it is hard closing this one. I love you Mae Mae Doss and am so lucky to be your Mama.

Love you Boozers,

Your Mama

Maesyn 2 Months Old

Mae!  You are 2 months old

Weight:  11 lbs 9 oz (your sister was 12 lbs 6 oz)

Height: 22 3/4 inches (your sister was 23 inches)

Eating: 4 ounces every 2-3 hours. 

Sleeping:  You are a sleeping rockstar. You cat nap through the day (I think lately you are so curious about what is going on you won't let yourself take very long naps) but at night you will sleep between 4-7 hours at a time.  We are getting into a nice little schedule where we put your sister down to sleep at around 8pm and then we change you, swaddle you and feed you (we meaning me :) and then rock you for 20-30 minutes and lay you down for the night by 9pm.  You will then sleep until about 3 - 4am. When you do wake up to eat you suck down your bottle and then go right back down.  So grateful for you sleeping. You are a true team player little mama!!!

What you like: Your sister!  You cannot and will not take your eyes off of her when she is around.  When she and I give you your bath at night (which you LOVE by the way...hallelujah!) you will only look at Sayler.  You pay me absolutely no mind.  She eats it up and just loves you to pieces.  You are starting to smile all the time and are happiest when you just wake up (unlike the other Doss ladies in the house). I was blowing raspberries at you today and you wanted to laugh so badly but just couldn't get it out.  I know it is coming soon.  You still love the ceiling fan and are starting to like your play mat and the other play gym that you can look up at.

What you don't like: Anyone walking away from you for even a split second.  You throw a hissy fit!  You also get so mad after you are done taking a bottle and I turn you around to pat your back and burp you...I have no idea why this irritates you so, but you definitely are not shy about letting me know it! You are starting to startle at loud noises and your sister is always asking, "My bang dis Mama? Peas...my bang dis?" To check and see if she can make a loud noise while you are in the room.

You continue to be the most laid back and easy baby. We love you to pieces and could not imagine spending even one day without you!  Here is a picture of your sister at the same age and though I still think you girls look alike...you are definitely coming into your own unique self.  You are both the most beautiful girls in the world to your Daddy and Mommy!  Can't wait to watch all of the amazing things you are going to show us in the months to come.  We LOVE you little Mae Mae <3  

Love,

Mama

Your heart grows...it just does. Maesyn's Birthday

My Sweet Mae Mae -

I have been trying to create this post for nearly 8 weeks now but you have not really wanted to share me with the computer.  I am sitting her typing this with you laying against my chest fast asleep making your precious baby squeaks, grunts, snorts etc.  Your sister and I call these noises "tootin' around."  Sayler will come up to me and say, "Mama, Sissy is tootin' around in there." When she sees you waking up from a nap. 

I wanted to take some time and tell you the story about the day you were born and the sweet special days that followed when we brought you home.  It is the day that I realized my heart could double in size in just one instant.  You came in and changed it all my sweet girl...turned our whole world upside down and intensified a love I didn't think could get any deeper.

Your Daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you on July 12th.  We were very surprised and quite speechless for days.  After the news sunk in we could not contain our excitement. We found out on October 18th that you were our precious little girl! How could we have known how much we would love you?  Here are some pictures of you growing in Mommy's tummy from the beginning. 

We scheduled your delivery for Thursday, March 15, 2012. I was 39 weeks and 5 days along the day you were born.  We wanted to make sure Nana and Papa would be with us to take care of your sister while we welcomed you into the world.  Nana arrived the night before and we got her all settled to take on the task of caring for Sayler and then we got up early the morning of the 15th to head to St. Luke's hospital on the Plaza.  Here is a picture of you and Mommy right before we left.

We drove to the hospital and kept talking about how surreal it was that the empty car seat in the back would be filled with our sweet baby girl the next time we drove that route.  We arrived at the hospital close to 7:30am and got all checked in and ready for the big day ahead.  Our nurses were SO awesome and called you by name the entire day.  You kept moving all over and they couldn't keep the heart monitor on you. As soon as they would find you, get the monitor hooked up to monitor your heart rate and walk towards the door, you would move and they would say, "Maesyn!!! Come on baby girl...work with us here!"  It was so funny.  Mommy kept having to move and get into all kinds of crazy contortions so they could monitor you.  Dr. Moore arrived at about 8:00am and broke my water.  They started giving me Pitocin (a lot of Pitocin I might add...you were playing hard to get for a while) and then Jesus with an MD (the anesthesiologist) came and gave Mommy her epidural. The epidural I had with your sister failed...miserably.  So I was nervous about the same thing happening with you.  It didn't work 100% but I would give it a C+.  I pushed that pain pump until my thumbs were numb...and we got through it. Here's a picture of Mommy before we got down to the business of the day.

It took us all day but finally you were ready to make your grand entrance.  Four pushes later and...

How could we have known how much we would instantly love you.

I was so worried about how I would be able to love someone as much as I loved Sayler. And as soon as they placed you on my chest you found your thumb and we laid there together and my heart.just.grew. I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with you.

They gave you the once over and you were perfect.

You weighed 7 lbs. 14 ozs. and were 19.5 inches long.

Your Daddy could not wait to get his hands on you. He thinks you are the bees knees.

Then they took you to the nursery to give you a bath and I thought your Daddy would have a panic attack.  He followed right behind the nurses as they wheeled you around and made sure you were being handled with kid gloves.

They gave you a bath and the nurse told Daddy that all babies love having the faucet run over their head like this. I have tried it at home...not so much.

I mean seriously. Who is cuter? No one.

I just cherished those days in the hospital.  The accommodations were miserable and I got about 45 minutes of sleep total for the stay with all of the continued poking and prodding from the nurses, but the 3 of us just nested, and snuggled, and loved on one another for 2 days and it was bliss.

Nana came...and instantly fell in love with you.

Papa too.

And then we got ready to go home.

You wore the outfit your sister wore home from the hospital.

The hat and sweater were Mommy's baptism outfit and your great grandma Knittle crotchet the blanket.  Your sister wore these too and Mommy is going to have them all framed to hang in your rooms.  

Daddy was so excited to take you home and show you off.

All buckled in and ready to go.

Your sister could not believe you were actually real.  We had been talking about baby Maesyn for months and months and then we showed up on St. Patrick's Day and you were actually a real live baby that she could hold, and kiss and love. She has not been jealous of you for even an instant (but I assure you that will change once you start getting into her stuff ;)...steer clear of her blankies and Goofy doll if you know what's good for you). She loves you so much and always asks me, "Mama...dis my baby sisser?" I tell her, "Yes she is your baby sister." And she replies, "Yes her is!"

She was just beside herself and overjoyed.  She couldn't believe she was finally a big "sisser"!!!

She wanted to get right to work.

And checked in every once in a while to make sure she was doing it right.

She was pretty into burping you and sang the little song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, "top top, bottom bottom, middle middle middle!"

And then she wanted to help change you.

The rest of the day you spent hanging out in the swing and getting loved on by all of your family.

Big sissy got some gifts for being such a good girl while we were at the hospital.  And she took care of opening your gifts too.  She made sure we understood they were your "pwesents" and not hers...or ours for that matter.

You were and continue to be the sweetest and easiest baby.  You were a good sleeper from the start and started giving Mommy between 4.5 - 7 hour blocks of sleep at 2 weeks of age!  i know you will be sleeping through the night soon and for that I could just weep!

Maesyn you will never understand how much love and laughter and light you have brought into our lives.  We can't imagine how we ever lived without you.

We can't wait to spend the rest of our lives being your family.

You are Mommy's sunshine baby girl...love, love, love you! Happy Birthday!!!

Maesyn One Month Old

Miss Maesyn...somehow you went and turned one month old today!  Not quite sure how that happened but I have been completely and utterly in love with each and every moment of your first month as a Doss girl.  I still need to write about the day we finally got to meet you and bring you home to meet your sister...I just haven't quite gotten that off of my to-do list, and my days have kind of been filled with snuggling you a lot.  But in the mean time here is a little bit of what you have been up to:

Weight:  9.4 lbs

Height: 21 inches

Eating: 3 ounces every 2-3 hours.  You have to be on Nutramegin formula which is a hypo-allergenic formula due to your reflux issues.  You may have a milk allergy too, we aren't quite sure, so we have an appt. with a GI specialist at the end of the month.  You seem to be better on the formula (but it stinks something awful!!!) so we are glad about that.  You are also on Zantac twice a day to help with the reflux.  I was so hoping we were going to avoid these tummy issues with you as your sister struggled through this as a baby...but no such luck.  Hoping we can get all of the answers from the GI doctor and make sure that you are getting all of the care and treatment you need.  But it hasn't stopped you from being a good eater and gaining weight like a champ.

Sleeping:  You are a sleeping rockstar.  You nap on and off throughout the day for 1-2 hours at a time and then are awake and alert for 30-45 minutes.  But night time is where you really show off!  You have been sleeping 3.5 - 5 hour stretches since you were about 2 weeks old.  You get fed about 10 or 10:30pm and then we lay you down for the night.  You then wake up between 2:30 - 3am for a feeding.  And then again at 6 or 6:30am.  It is a miracle of the Lord I tell you and I rejoice in your sleeping talent every night :)

What you like:  Being held and laying asleep on Mommy or Daddy's chest. Looking at the ceiling fan. Lounging in your Bumbo lounger. Your binky (sometimes...you and the bink have a love/hate dynamic going on right now). Mommy or Daddy sticking their tongue out at you...and then you stick your tongue back out at us!  It is the funniest thing :)

What you don't like: Not being held ;). Getting your clothes on and off.  A bath (Lord help me if this is a genetic trait as your sister STILL hates to take a bath). Losing your binky while you are sleeping...you start "flapping your wing" (flailing your arm all around) and screaming your head off.  But then when Mommy or Daddy try and give it back to you many times you act as if it is the most revolting thing you have ever been offered.  It is hilarious.

You are the most laid back and easy baby.  You deal with all of the chaos that your sister brings to the party and don't even blink.  A few days ago Sayler (aka The Honey Badger) was throwing a full on, melt down, kicking/screaming tantrum right next to you and you didn't even flinch.  You just kept on snoozing.  I can't even begin to express how in love I am with you.  My heart doubled the instant the Dr. placed you in my arms and I just can't describe how happy I am to be your Mommy.  I can't wait to tell you all about the wonderful things you will be doing in the months to come.

I think this split screen is so funny because Sayler actually weighed more at 1 month than you do but she looks like such a little peanut in this picture.  I definitely think you look a lot alike...but I am starting to see your unique self peek through a little bit with each passing day.

We love you to the moon and back Mae Mae.  We're so blessed you are ours.


Love,
Mommy

Making the same mistake wearing a different pair of pants.

I promise this isn't about pants.  Pants are not a topic I want to discuss at any length when I am 10 days away from giving birth.  I walk into my closet and the pants laugh at me. Except for the sweat/yoga variety...pants are dead to me. So this is not about pants. *How many times can I say pants in one paragraph?

I have been thinking a lot about life lately. I think it is because I will be bringing a new one into this world in a few short days.  Nothing will humble you like the feeling that overcomes you when are wheeled out to your car from the maternity ward by a nurse holding a warm, sweet smelling, little 8 pound bundle and she helps you into the passenger seat. And then she turns...and.walks.away.  Wait...what?  You're just going to let us take this baby?  Don't you need to verify our credentials? Isn't there some sort of training you provide? This seems highly irresponsible. I mean they don't even let you have the keys to the register at McDonald's on your first day...just sayin'. I digress...

I was getting ready one morning and looking at myself in the mirror and this question just overwhelmed me, "Steph...what on earth can you offer these precious girls?" It took me by surprise.  I didn't have an immediate answer. And I thought about it for days.  What can I offer these sweet girls? And then I heard a conversation about how so often women make the same mistake over, and over, and over again...especially when it comes to choosing the wrong man to share their life with. One of the women said, "It's like making the same mistake wearing a different pair of pants." And I knew instantly...that is what I can give my girls.  Mommy found the right pair of pants...

I can't begin to express how much I love these pants.

So I'll stop with the pants analogy as I am starting to even confuse myself...but you see where I am going here.  When I met Channing I had never met any man like him in my life.  I'm convinced God broke the mold when he created this man.  And it scared me to my core. You see, I had never been treated well by a man. Never.  I didn't know what it looked like.  I didn't know what it felt like.  I had absolutely no idea how to allow someone to be good to me. It seems crazy even to me to say that...but it really felt so uncomfortable to me. 

Because I had never seen what a healthy, respectful, honorable relationship looked like...when it presented itself I was completely unprepared. To be clear, I'm not writing this to disparage anyone, especially my own father,  but he was not a good husband to my mom. And he wasn't a great father to his kids. That's just the truth. I've dealt with that, been through my share of therapy, and know that people do the best they can with what they have.  When you know better, you do better and I accept who my father was and who he wasn't and love him in spite of the mistakes he made. But because a healthy, loving, happy marriage was never modeled for me...I had no idea what I should require of my relationships with men.  And so I accepted anything I was given. Anything. Bad stuff.  Ugly stuff. Painful stuff. And that became my normal.  It felt comfortable and natural to be insecure, sad, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt and distrustful. It felt natural to deal with the mistreatment of a man.  That was all I knew.

And then...

God brought me something better. And he whispered in my ear that I was worthy of the love I was being given...if I would just trust it. And I did....

There are not enough words to express how amazing this man is. My husband, my friend, the father of my children.  I never thought I would have this love...this life  I never thought I deserved it.  I didn't know it even existed.  But it does.  And I do.  And so do my girls.  And that is what I will offer them.  To show them what it looks like. What it sounds like. What it feels like...to have a man honor you, respect you, appreciate you, adore you, protect you, love you, lead you and share their life with you. 

Channing...before we travel down this crazy parenthood path once again, and before we are to tired and consumed with babies, bottles and binkies to even remember one another's name I want to say this.  You are the miracle of my life.  You love me in a way I have never known before. You changed my path and gave me a new story to tell. I will never take that for granted. I will spend the rest of my life trying to love you the way that you love me.  Thank you for this life.  Thank you for my babies. Thank you for this laughter. Thank you for this love. But most of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer our girls a legacy to rely on when they are choosing their own pair of pants.