Wednesday, September 8, 2010

And I miss her...

I know that my love language is always has been.  I get so much joy from making people smile and laugh.  The best thing I get in return for writing this blog is when people say to me, " made me laugh so hard."  Or, "Steph I sent your blog to all of my friends it was so funny." Not that anyone other than my imaginary friends have actually said that yet...but I have goals and dreams ;)

But I'm not feeling funny tonight.  I am feeling sad.  I am missing my friend.  More than missing her...I am mourning her.  My best friend Johna passed away almost four years ago after a 16 month battle with leukemia.  She was 31 years old and her son was 2 years old at the time.  He is 6 now...and though I hate to think about this I am sure he has no memory of her.  Just stories people tell, pictures and video.  Thinking about that makes my chest get tight and tears well up in my eyes.  She loved that little boy with everything she had.  She was such a good mom.  She was such a good everything.  And I miss her.

I dreamt of her last night and it was so real.  We were sitting somewhere...I don't know where, we were outside and I started laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face.  My stomach was tight and aching from how hard I was laughing.  I looked at her and said, "you are the only person in the world that can make me laugh like this."  And that was true...and still is.  And I miss her.

I woke up in the darkness and I was panic stricken.  I was so upset I started crying.  I knew I would not be able to get back to her.  I knew that the dream was over...and I could not go back.  I know that this may sound bizarre and maybe it is but I truly believe she came to me in my dream last night.  And I guess that is I why I was so upset when I woke up.  I didn't tell her any of the things that I have regretted not telling her while she was living.  I didn't tell her how I think about her every single day.  How I love her as much as I love my own family and consider her family as my own.  I didn't ask her if she hears me talking to her every time I take a long drive and look out to the horizon.  I didn't tell her that I named my daughter after her and that it is my daily prayer that Sayler Jaye turns out to be as incredible and audacious as Johna Jaye was.  I didn't tell her that she was the best friend I ever had and that I know I will never have another friendship like the one we shared.  I didn't tell her how proud I was of the way she fought the cancer.  I didn't tell her that I could never be as heroic and courageous as she was when she was facing the end of her life...even though it should have just been the beginning.  I didn't tell her that my days are a little darker now.  My laughter comes less and my tears come more since she's been gone. I didn't tell her any of the things I have agonized over for the past 4 years.  I am regretting it more than I can tell you.  And I miss her.

Her life and her death...they changed me.  I am so incredibly lucky that God chose me to be her friend for 31 years.  And I miss her.

Johna Jaye...I love you more than you can ever know my sweet friend...and I can't wait to sit with you and laugh until the tears stream down our cheeks.  Until that day...I will miss you.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

I know she knew all of the things you didn't tell her. I know that you love your friends like you love your family and I know that she misses you just as much as you miss her. What a beautiful tribute to her and your friendship in this blog. Love you.