Saturday, July 24, 2010

Cracks in the foundation

Sorry if this post is all over the place, but that is kind of where my emotions are tonight so bear with me.  There are some things in life that you just rely on as "givens", things known to be true, gospel ...these are the foundation of life.  The foundation creates stability and security.  It comforts you in times of worry and supports you in your moments of weakness.  Well...there are cracks in the foundation tonight and they are ugly, and big and permanent.  They cannot be patched.  They cannot be filled.  They will never go away.

A sweet friend from law school found out last night that her daughter died in utero due to a umbilical cord accident. She was 37 weeks in to her pregnancy. 37 God.  She delivered her daughter via cesarean section and then she and her husband spent some precious moments with her before they took her away.  Before they took her away... I can barely press the keys to even type those words.  So how does a mother find the strength to allow strangers to take her child that she has just laid eyes on moments before from her...forever?  It is the most gut wrenching image I can imagine.  I have imagined it all day. I have been able to think of nothing else. It has cracked my foundation.

My friends doctor said that one has a better chance of being struck by lightening than losing a child to a cord accident in the womb.  Either he is ill informed, or lightening strikes twice in my circle of friends.  You see...this is not the first time one of us have traveled this path.  Another sweet friend of mine lost her son to a cord accident at 38 weeks pregnant.  And I am just rendered speechless.  But for this one word...why? And that small has cracked my foundation.

Babies are conceived and then 40 weeks later they are born.  Isn't this a piece of our foundation?  If we cannot rely on the truth of that...then how can we rely on anything at all?  Oh God I am angry.  I am disgusted and appalled that You would allow this to happen. People throw their babies in dumpsters for Christ's sake...and you needed my friends children to fulfill some master plan?  It's absolutely unthinkable...and yet, at some point I will have to accept it.  But not yet.  Now I am just looking at these cracks in my foundation...and I cannot remember how it looked before the cracks came.

I don't know how to express to my friend the depths of my sorrow for her loss.  I don't have any words for there really aren't any words for this.  I usually am good with words in situations of grief...but I guess when one is living through what I only experience in nightmares I am at a loss. Scared and worn down by life I guess I am just trying to avoid the cracks.  And trying to hold on to the new foundation that life offers.

This song keeps playing over and over again in my mind and in some way settles my soul a bit.

God Bless you my sweet friend...and my God hold your sweet girl in His arms.

1 comment:

Julie said...

I randomly found your blog today and I was reading about your friend and watched the video. It touched me so deeply and my heart goes out to her and her family. I lost my baby two months ago due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through when the doctor told me there was nothing that could be done and I had to watch as they gave me a shot knowing it would kill it and knowing I would die if they didn't do anything. It's just unimaginable to go from such joy (your heart can't help but imagine a million scenes of your future with your child and the preparation) and in one moment it's lost forever. I think as women we're in love with our baby the moment the test comes out positive. I wasn't out of my first trimester but it still is a loss I feel everyday. I, like you, have been having a hard time ever since really believing how it could serve some greater purpose and why God would allow something like that to happen when he knows how much my husband and I wanted that baby and how we would have done anything in the world to give it a healthy, happy life. No words can express solace at such a time but when one precious one is lost we all grieve.