Held

Well, well, well...look at me huh?  Pretty snazzy makeover if I say so myself.  I figured if I had a pretty place to write this poor, sickly little blog maybe I could bring it back to life.  So here goes nothin!

I have been feeling sorry for myself today.  I even cried at my desk for a bit.  Don't worry it wasn't awkward for anyone else.  Just a few tears sopped up with a Kleenex...no snot, or snorts, or ugly facial contortions or anything...cuz that's just wrong in corporate America people.  No crying in the Fortune 500!!!  Here's the skinny...I'm not very good at my job.  There I said it.  I'm not...and it sucks to say that, but unfortunately for me...it's true.  It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me.  I don't say these next words with ego or some grandiose idea of myself so please don't think I'm all full of Steph all of a sudden (or maybe you have thought that all my life...whatev) but I am usually good at things that I do in life.  I always did well in school (except for that unfortunate encounter with Spanish II my senior year of high school), I've always made friends easily, graduated from college, graduated from law school under some less than ideal circumstances (life mate selection in my early 20's will be in a whole other post my friends...no one has the time or stomach for that now), I passed the bar, married the most perfect man, battled infertility and won BIG...I just pretty much kick life in the tail and come out victorious on most days (wow...that's a whole lotta non-egotistical ego there ma'am)...moving on.

So when I started in my position in corporate america it was tough and confusing to me as many aspects of my job involve a lot of techy gobbledygook and nonsensical lingo and jargon.  But I assumed there was a steep learning curve (as everyone told me there was) and that I would eventually figure it all out.  Well...2 years in, and I actually think I am worse than I was on day one.

So anyway, I got back a draft contract that I had written over the last 2 or so days...and it was bloody.  Freddie Kruger status.  And I just felt...well awful.  And I teared up and felt sorry for myself and said bad things in my mind about my boss and felt even more sorry for myself.

And then I remembered Andrew and Mandy...

I work with Andrew but do not know him well at all.  We pass each other in the halls and do the obligatory, "hey..how are ya?"...but never more than that.  Several weeks back Andrew and his wife Mandy got the news that their son Aiden  had a terminal diagnosis.  Mandy was then 25 weeks into her first pregnancy and the Dr.'s told her that Aiden's kidneys were not functioning properly and that because of this there was not enough amniotic fluid for him in utero.  Long story short they were told to go home and make an impossible decision.  Andrew and Mandy decided to carry Aiden as long as God would allow and she is carrying him now.  But at 37 weeks they will induce Mandy and then it is up to God.

Can you imagine?  Seriously, can you imagine?  I cannot.  I try to put myself in their unbearable shoes and I know I cannot.  It is too much pain.  I think about what I was doing at 37 weeks pregnant with Sayler.  I mean she was my daughter at 37 weeks.  At 37 weeks...we had her room finished, hundreds of precious outfits for her, diapers, car seat, stroller, crib, bottles, everything.  And not to mention that I felt her inside of me turning and rolling (and kicking the crap out of me) all day and all night.  How do you have all of that and know that those may be the only moments you ever have with your child?  I'm not sure how one is supposed to go on after that...I just don't know how you open your eyes in the morning after putting your precious baby in the ground.  Just typing it takes my breath away.

So...the point here is "seriously Steph?  seriously.  It's not that serious.These sweet people are contemplating the birth and death of their child on the same day and you are crying over not getting a gold star on your paper from the teacher. STOP.IT.NOW."

So I did...and I prayed for Andrew, Mandy and Aiden...and I listened to this song by Natalie Grant over and over again.  Would you please pray for Andrew, Mandy and baby Aiden too?  They need to be "held" by an entire community right now.  Lifted up in prayer to a God that knows the depths of their pain and the burden of their plight and holds them in the darkness.  Thanks friends.  Love, love, love...